I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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