my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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