you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Green mimosas i think yes
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
