No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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