better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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