He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Randomize
