i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
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Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
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I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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