god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
