The maid of honor just puked.
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
