I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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