i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
