Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
