Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
