my mouth tastes like poor choices
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
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