Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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