my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
