You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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