best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
