The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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