I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
