I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
