Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
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