please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
