in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Houston, we have a blender
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
