I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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