If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
