In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
