just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
