party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
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I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
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My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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