haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
