I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
