i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
