i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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