taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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