the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
