You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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