sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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