DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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