so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
