I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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