you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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