walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
