so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
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There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
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I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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