Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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