I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
