god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
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