You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
