she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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