I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
