Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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