Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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