Little spoons don't ask big questions
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
