No stitches, just platelets and will power
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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