Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's shark week go big or go home
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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